don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
