Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
