kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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