I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
