saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
