I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
well you can't waste a boner
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
