Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
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And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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