I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
