Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
