Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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