just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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