I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
