still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
