Taylor Swift is so right about you.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
