I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
50% drunk capacity currently
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
