So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
