Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
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but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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