Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
