i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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