I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
