i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
