our cab driver is having phone sex.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
