You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
