he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
