i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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