ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
