Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
