When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
