According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
