dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
