I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
