i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
