I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
3 2 1 whiskey
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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