She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
