there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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