Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
