I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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