apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
