he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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