I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
