so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
