i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
