Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
