Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
