im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
