Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
