The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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