I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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