I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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