ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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