I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
