so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
