i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize