I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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