who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
