The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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