I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
