I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
